The finality of death often breeds our extreme emotions; whether it be relief, nostalgia, anger, or maybe some combination of those along with several others. As we go through this COVID-19 year, I’m noticing many people coping with this new strange union of emotions. Even though traveling is one of the things that is most limited at the moment, I want to continue to encourage people to dream of it, especially when dealing with loss, because it genuinely saved my life.
I have been trying to write this post since July, and have been putting it off for a while. Now as the holidays approach, it is personally a difficult time for my family and I. That being said, I am dedicating this post to my little brother, Stefano, today on the fifth anniversary of his passing. Without you, Stefa, I would not be anywhere close to the girl I am today, and my thirst for life and living every moment to the fullest is inspired and filled entirely with you.
*NOTE: I know this post is long, but please, if you read anything, please read the last bit at the bottom "and finally, most importantly..."
Much like we have BC and AD to understand the year something occurred, my life is divided to before Stefano died, and after. Somehow everything before December 9, 2015 seemed light and everything after seemed dark. That’s a truth I refuse to live with, above all, because it’s a lie. There were dark times when he was alive, and there has been light in life after his death. The last promise I whispered to him was that I would live life for the both of us. I must admit, at times that has seems like a heavy burden to bear; however, I have come to realize that I am surrounded by people willing and wanting to share the weight.
When my brother, suddenly died in an accident at the end of 2015, I understood when people said “your life can change in one second”, I have known nothing more true. If you’ve lost someone or perhaps are close to someone that has lost someone, you will often find their life is divided.
Then there was the whole other part, which was the reality of life was focused on him, I felt like I was Stefano’s sister before being Camila to everyone, all day, every day, and as much as I love being his sister forever, I found that I had lost touch with myself. Realizing I needed to get back into my own skin, I turned to the one thing that has never let me down, travel.
The first few months after losing someone are pretty strange. I went from being a social butterfly, to wanting to do more on my own. It was easier to go into the cocoon. Partially because I didn’t know what to say when people asked “how are you?”, it seemed like the most overwhelming question. How am I? Let’s see, my whole world has turned upside down, I don’t know how to be around my family, I see him and feel him in everything I do, which makes me happy then instantly breaks my heart, when I feel like I can breath again, the guilt comes through knowing his friends and our family are likely grieving in that moment. So, how am I? I have absolutely no idea.
5 Ways Travel Helps with Grief
Nothing extraordinary will ever happen while you're in your comfort zone. I'm pretty sure you can guess who taught me that one. My brother was always fearless, to the point that I wouldn't even doubt doing things because he was already in the middle of doing them, I just had to keep up.
When he was gone who was going to push me? I always had the confidence to do anything because he was my lifeline. Once I accepted he was no longer going to be there with me physically, he was the voice in all of my thoughts, "just go for it", "I can't believe you're still thinking about it", the normal stuff he would say.
After five years I have quickly realized that life is simply too short to evaluate all risks for every thing you do. I have bought quite a few flights not knowing if the other members of my group are in fact going on the trip, I have been left behind by boats while still being in the water, missed trains, flown planes, hitchhiked (by accident), jumped from heights I normally would never consider, and the list goes on. My greatest adventures and memories have happened outside my comfort zone. It's where I have learned the most about myself, about my limits, and my greatest joys.
Above everything else, leaving my comfort zone gave me the confidence to know when worst comes to worst, which could be the death of a loved one, a break up, an argument, etc. I can do anything and I will be okay. It showed me that if my travel plans change and I am stuck alone in a city that I don't know, I can find my way around and laugh and enjoy. To embrace having lunch alone versus the fear of whether or not people are giving me pity stares. If you've met me, you'll know I love it when things don't go according to plan. That confidence is priceless, the genuine inner happiness is contagious, and I found I attracted only the best kinds of people to my life because of it.
1. Ditch Your Comfort Zone
It may come naturally, it may not. Today with so many different types of media platforms, it’s hard for us to feel a true connection to one another and to the environment. Social media often times leaving people feeling lonelier despite being connected 24/7, throw death into the mix and that loneliness can become intolerable. Connecting is a crucial part of life, and is especially important after loss. The goal is to create a bond with people, strangers and friends alike; whether stargazing and having those deep talks with a staff member of the hotel, to greeting the sun in the morning from a hammock with your best friend. It could be admiring the way the birds fly together in perfect synchrony on your hike, or the harmony in the cohabitation of the bright coral and fish under the water's surface. Those little irreplaceable moments of brilliant connection are what ends up healing us the most.
2. Connection
Amazing people, creatures, and views are all around you. We often take our towns and cities for granted, forgetting that there is someone dreaming about visiting where we live. Travel within your city or neighboring towns. I am amazed quite easily, no matter how much I’ve been lucky to experience so far. We live on a beautiful planet that is always showing us its magic, take a moment to slow down, open your eyes, observe it and feel it.
3. Be Amazed
Today, when scrolling through your phone, you see thousands of posts of what beauty is and how to achieve it. I encourage you to put your phone down and experience. Hearing beautiful music sung by local people telling stories of their ancestors, admiring trees that have held on through the fiercest storms, or carefully being a fly on the wall and observing the delicate interactions between people, sharing moments that they will carry forever with one another.
4. Change of View
I don’t particularly consider myself an adrenaline junkie, but I will say I do have an addiction to a thrill most people might not. Feeling alive is incorporating the first four things on this list into a bundle. Test yourself, do something that pushes you. It doesn’t necessarily need to be jumping out of a plane or swimming with great white sharks. It could be ordering your breakfast in another country and striking up a conversation with your waiter, relying on broken phrases and sign language to communicate. Wake up early when you’d rather sleep in, and appreciate the sunrise. There are endless ways to feel alive. I promise that if you disconnect with the image that you think you need to give people and just genuinely start being present, especially in different corners of the globe, you see how much life is worth living. You will notice the pain of the absence of the person you lost will transform into a beautiful new relationship.
5. Feel Alive
A word of advice...
Travel and Guilt
One of the hardest things about traveling in a time of grief is the pressure of guilt. The guilt of leaving family members behind knowing they are heartbroken, guilt of feeling excited for a new adventure, and finally, the guilt of allowing your exhausted conscious to take a break from mourning to enjoy a moment in its entirety.
Leaving your family or friends behind knowing they are grief-struck is enough to prevent you from getting on a plane, I almost turned around at the gate many times. The bottomline is, what are you doing by being physically present? Giving them a shoulder to cry on? Distract them from feeling the full weight of their grief? The truth is, you will eventually need to let them cry on their own and heal their own wounds without you. The longer you try to distract them from what’s happened, the more intensely it will catch up to them. I have found that when my friends and family genuinely see me laugh, or listen to a story about an adventure I had, a sense of relief, of “everything is going to be okay” resonates within them. So go, explore, laugh, it does more good that you think.
give yourself a break...
The other piece of advice I would give is allow yourself a break. Sing, dance, travel, whatever it is that you need, don’t feel like you need to be consciously missing and grieving the person you lost. There is an interesting point in the grieving process, it’s the moment you realize that missing someone has become part of you. Normally, when you miss someone it’s because you heard a song, told a story about them, saw a picture, or had some kind of reminder of them, right? When someone dies, especially if they share the same home as you, they are everywhere. You brush your teeth and look over and see exactly how they squeezed their toothpaste for the last time, you sit on the sofa but avoid the spot where they normally sit, you buy their favorite snacks because you’ve done it for so long, until you don’t. That point where the physical part fades, I know, hurts a lot. But once that painful process inevitably dwindles away, there is relief, because missing them is part of you. Just like you breath air in and out of your lungs without thinking about it, just like your heart pumps blood throughout your body without thinking about it, missing them becomes a reflex you don’t need to consciously do anymore, allowing freedom to do other things with your mind and body.
and finally, most importantly...
In conclusion, life is fragile, and we are not promised tomorrow. Be present, spend time with those who make you feel happy and whole, and be sure to reciprocate that. Love, love fully, the risk is scary, but life without risks will always fall short. Traveling will feed your soul. Learning different languages and cultures will open your mind and heart. However, remember this, while traveling saved my life, it also taught me that you don’t have to go to the opposite side of the globe to experience adventure. You can and should have an adventure every single day wherever you are. Sometimes it’s hearing something funny while walking to work, complimenting someone, while other times it’s cliff jumping or skiing in summer clothes. At the end of the day it’s what you make of it.
I wish my brother could see the person I am today because of him. He has forced me to see the world differently, and to appreciate everyone and every moment. I know he would like me even more today than the last time I saw him. Don't forget there will be a time in your life that you will have your final moments, the most important thing you’ll have then are your memories and the people in them, so choose wisely and live fully.
To you Stefa, I am doing my best to live to the fullest every day. To laugh my way through life, push myself more and more each time. I miss you more than you can possibly imagine, but I also know you're never wandering too far. I can't wait to see you again one day, but for now I'll hold down the fort here. I love you. Your big sis, Cami x
#LiveLikeStefano
any words on how you cope with grief or how travel has helped you?
I want to hear it!
instagram: @camilaime